Mrs. Berry’s Good Intentions

tell me all your good intentions
tell me how much you care
about the one you say you love,
even though you’re never there.
tell me a thousand stories,
tell me tales of how you try,
just keep your promise next time.
i hate to see him cry.
perhaps you think it’s easy
you’re not the one who deals
with the aftermath of broken dreams,
the results of how he feels.
lie to yourself if you want to
it probably keeps you sane
but stop lying to the one who needs you
just to take away your pain
don’t tell him all your good intentions
just show him that you care
show up when you say you’re going to
that’s exactly when he needs you there

jwturner
1984

Danny is someone who has stuck in my head and comes to mind often. He was severely mentally disabled and communicated only through a picture board, and emotive grunts. But he knew his mother’s voice and understood what day she was supposed to come visit. The problem was, she rarely did. Each time she didn’t he would go into a rage and tear apart the ward. Once he had calmed down, he’d would come to me with his picture board, point to his mother and point to the image for “sad” and break down in tears. This was written after one of those incidents. I can still see his face pained face, as if it happened yesterday.

I Am FWPS (pronounced fwips)

i am FWPS
i am growing in size
i am adaptive training personified
i have no mentor
i am self-sufficient
and all who oppose me
are found deficient
feel my power
feel the pressure swell
try to escape my programming hell
yes, i am FWPS
i am crushing your time
and soon my complexity
will crush your mind
when it finally does
you will need my plans
you will need to be on
my adaptive programs
i will teach
i will give men a purpose
there will be no more
three module circus
and life will be happy
and all will extol
for i am FWPS
and i am taking control

jwturner
1984

In 1984, I wrote the following about this poem:

“This poem may be a bit overdone, but I believe it summarizes my feelings on behavior modification when it is pursued as a means to an end. FWPS, by the way, stands for Facility Wide Programming System. It was designed to make adaptive programming more systematic. But it’s becoming a religion around here. These people are like religious fanatics and the system… has become a god.”

I Found A 23 Year Old Notebook Today

Going through some old boxes, I found a Pen-Tab Composition Book. I bought while I was a Mental Health Administrator at New Castle State Mental Hospital, in New Castle, Indiana. On the front page was written this:

“There comes a time in every man’s life when he must cast aside his pride and do what he has never done before – buy a composition book, on sale.”

This is dated November 28, 1984. I would have just turned 23 years old. The notebook has only 15 or so pages of writing, but there are a few poems in it. These were written about residents or staff at the hospital. I’m going to share a couple of them here.

relief-iation

when life’s biggest problem is ambulation
you sometimes turn to self-stimulation
not solely by choice or premeditation
you just want to find some relief
so you wiggle your fingers in exhaltation
and puff out your cheeks in wild jubilation
and try extra hard to fight off the frustration
that comes from the pain and the grief
but sooner or later there comes the temptation
to shake off the boredom and seek consultation
on the most proper way to acheive sure elation
but no one offers to teach
so you turn to yourself to avoid confrontation
and try to decode all the strange information
that exudes from the people who stand at the station
which is clearly out of your reach
we say your retarded beyond remediation
yet lay out a plan for your normalization
but no one told you about the situation
what if it’s against your beliefs
so we carry out our plans for behavior modification
without true concern for long term implications
maybe we’ll achieve some real satiation
but do we really care in the least
why don’t we worry about wars between nations
and find out the answer to high rise inflation
let’s forget about Terry’s self-stimulation
and leave him alone in his world of elation
life’s tough enough without all this frustration
all he really wants is relief

j.turner
7/2/84

And Donna Screamed On And On

Donna screamed on and on
while Marlene sat in silent ecstasy
staring at her beat up water bottle
as if it were all there could possibly be
Ronnie never even blinked
he just colored by himself
the rest of the crew was stage left, watching
as “her” coloring books were put on the shelf
“you’re a bad girl,” they said to her
then Sandy mimicked their words
Miss Fipps just gave a sly little glance
as if to say, “this is absurd”
but no one noticed Altha Houghland
sitting by the window talking
she talks to herself and counts the cars
and waves to the people as they’re walking
Mitzi never said a word at all
nor did Sarah, or Terry, or Mable
oh, it wasn’t because they didn’t notice
it’s just that they’re not really able
finally it got too much for Altha
and although she is usually kind
she screamed “shut up” at Donna
old folks always seem to just speak their mind
for a moment there was a strange space of silence
and a chance for me to reflect
on all of the intriguing personalities
that i will probably never forget
i remembered that Ronnie was moving today
i just couldn’t imagine him gone
then the silence was broken by Terry’s loud blow
and Donna screamed on and on

J. Turner
6/26/84 | 8:15-8:30 am
New Castle State Hospital

The Mental Ward

Doris lives for cigarettes
Donald wants some too
they fight for them like animals
which makes this place a zoo

jwturner
central state hospital
1984